WHAT TIME IS IT?

HIATUS TIME!!!

I posted this to the Transpose Operator site first... but I felt it needed to be here too in case you missed it.

You may have noticed that updates have been spotty over the past month or so.... Read beyond the link to find out more... WARNING- It is long...



There's various reasons for this but most of it is a result of having killed myself over a contest entry-Having CRAZY hours at my day jobs(That's right, JOBS, with an 'S'), and then forgetting how to function like a regular person. The system I had established for making sure I created pages on time got misaligned and to be honest I can't even remember how I used to do it...

My regular day normally goes like this:
Wake up at 6am to go to first shift of first job, at 9am go to second job, at 2pm go home and MAYBE get 30minutes of sleep or eat something, at 2:45pm go to second shift of first job, 6pm go home- try not to pass out-finally eat something-then try to get work done/answer emails/apply for jobs and internships and not pass out, end up staying up until 3am or later, or just not going to sleep at all...
Then...
REPEAT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WEEK.
After doing this for about 2 months straight I was a walking zombie, constantly getting sick, and when I had weekends to get work done I'd end up sleeping until 4pm and wasting the entire day because I got NO SLEEP the past week. And even when I did have time to sleep all I could think about was how I had so much that I needed to get done that I'd lie awake for an hour or so before I finally forced myself to stop thinking and let myself sleep. This left me with no time for myself, or friends and family, or ANYTHING accept working and doing the Comic contest, trying to make headway on Transpose Operator and then doing Commissions whenever I wasn't doing anything else. I'm pretty sure it was driving me clinically insane.

The worst part was that even after the contest entry was done, my sleep schedule had been ruined and I couldn't bring it back to normal, it's like being in a state of constant jet lag... and so the past month I've been feebly trying to get Transpose Operator pages done on time, and just when I think I can, I run out of time, or have some sort of crippling existential crisis about my stories and artwork, or decide that maybe I should actually you know... SLEEP for a change. And every time I missed an update I felt like the worst person on the planet, because not only was I letting down my readers, I was letting down myself.
The 2 page a week updates were more for me than anyone else(sorry guys) to make sure that even though I don't get paid to do what I love, I'm still working hard and improving by doing the work. It forced me to keep drawing, and when you have crazy non-creative day jobs sometimes it's all you have to keep yourself connected to what makes you-you. But with every failed update I began to doubt myself more and more, I'd question my motivations and wondering if this thing I'm spending all my time on actually mattered-or was actually any good- did anyone like it? Did I even like it any more?
And while I know that I wouldn't have been able to keep going for this long if I didn't believe in Transpose Operator, that doubt was still there. A lot of it has to do with the fact that the story has barely gotten started. If I had the first graphic novel out you'd be able to read 300 pages at a time and get into the story, but as it is it's 2 pages a week, and when you're showing action or having dialogue sometimes it's hard to stay connected when something that you'd read in a book that would flow from page to the following page is suddenly read piece by piece... it can be frustrating, for readers and for the creator alike. While I love webcomics to death this is always the thing that I've hated about them.
And so suddenly working on pages was no longer fun or meaningful, but a chore I was forcing myself to do, and I was questioning why I was even doing it. With art there is a certain amount of endurance required, sometimes-a lot of the time- you have to force yourself to keep going even when you're tired or unmotivated. Eventually once you get past that, you can keep going and be happy about it, but you have to keep going... and this is why I kept trying and then failing to update on time. I'd work on it and remember that it wasn't always this hard, and that I like what I'm doing, but it wasn't the same, and when I couldn't deliver on time I felt like a failure which made me feel like an awful person and a lazy artist who couldn't kick her own ass enough to get the work done. Even though I felt like I was trying as hard as I could.

I'd text message my friend at 4am and whine about how terrible I was and that everything I do sucks, she'd reassure me and tell me logically why I was being dumb and that it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was--- and then eventually through our disscussions I realized what the hell was wrong with me...

I was burned out.

I felt like when an artist says that they're "burned out" they're just making excuses, not working hard enough, lazy, or just don't care enough. I didn't even think it was a real thing because I thought that working hard could solve it... but it turns out that I was wrong... And so I hated myself because I thought I was just making those same excuses that I usually scoffed at others for saying, I didn't want to accept it and kept trying to work at it, but it just made things worse-unreliable updates and self loathing are NOT a productive combination.

And so I've come to a decision. I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO MYSELF FOR A CHANGE AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I NEED TO REST EVERY NOW AND THEN. I need some time to get my shit together and make a stock of pages for Transpose Operator. I have a very important internship coming up in March, and so about halfway through February until the end of June my life is going to be the craziest thing I've experienced yet- it will be fun and rewarding- and even though I won't be getting paid I plan to work hard and learn as much as I can. However this will make things hard in terms of updating the comic, I won't have all my resources and I'll have even less time than usual, however I plan to keep working on this comic through all of that- but that means I probably won't be able to get 2 pages done every week-So I need to plan ahead. SO I NEED TO HAVE THE COMIC TAKE A BREAK. It feels dumb to do it so soon after Transpose came back, but things can't continue as they are and I need to accept the fact that I need to make a compromise with myself if I'm going to make this work in the long run.

30 pages... that's what my quota is. I don't want something like this to EVER happen again, so I need to make sure I'm prepared. I'm only working 1 job halfway through December so I'll have more time. My tentative goal is around the end of January/before I leave for the Internship in February. I don't ever want to let down my readers or myself like this again, so I won't be starting the comic back up until I've reached 30 pages of stock. That's just how it's going to be.

And so that's my long-winded shpeal about what the hell has been going on with Transpose Operator and me for anyone that wanted to know. I don't usually post about personal things on the internet, but this webcomic means a lot to me and so I figured that I owed it to anyone else who cares even a little about it to understand what's been going on.

I'll still be active on Twitter, Tumblr, and the Sketch Blog. And you can always email me at the Transpose Operator official email address: transposeoperato(at)gmail.com I'd love to hear from any readers if they want to contact me/follow me at various online places. And I'll be sure to update with news when there is any.

So for now, so long, and I'll see you all in a few months.